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“Tyler says I’m nowhere near hitting bottom, yet. And if I don’t fall all the way, I can’t be saved. Jesus did it with his crucifixion thing. I shouldn’t just abandon money and property and knowledge. This isn’t just a weekend retreat. I should run from self-improvement, and I should be running toward disaster. I can’t just play it safe anymore.

This isn’t a seminar.

‘If you lose your nerve before you hit bottom,’ Tyler says, ‘you’ll never really succeed.’

Only after disaster can we be resurrected.

‘It’s only after you’ve lost everything,’ Tyler says, ‘that you’re free to do anything.’

What I’m feeling is premature enlightenment.”

from Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk

Somehow this really appeals to certain parts of my personality. But other parts insist that it would be stupid to do something like that, and that there is no special clarity or enlightenment to be found in "hitting bottom." There's an ongoing argument in my head as to whether such self-destruction entails bravery or cowardice. And part of me would be scared to death to do it, anyway. But somehow it's alluring, all the same.

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