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stormsewerI kinda... just woke up within the last hour or two.
I seem to have a recurring dream the last few years. I don't know if "recurring" is the right word- I have it every few months, perhaps, and the details vary widely, but the gist of it goes like this: Duchess (that's my nickname for my high school girlfriend; she got married about a year ago) and I fall madly in love again. During the course of these dreams they are among the most wonderful dreams I've ever had, but when I wake up and recall reality I'm always furious at my subconscious. Those feelings just aren't there anymore, and if they were it would only be a grand exercise in pain and frustration on my part. How dare my subconscious make me feel like that about her again! In reality she doesn't even respond to my emails anymore, and when I look deep into my heart I find I don't care. But to make me feel so strongly about her again after any chance of us ever being together again is dead and buried and rotted through is just cruel. I don't feel that way anymore and I don't WANT to feel that way anymore, so don't force me to feel that way because it pisses me off.
...And makes me very sad, somehow.
Somehow... the only place I've felt the unerring and unending devotion of true love in the last five or six years is in my dreams. Does that mean I'm still capable of it in my waking life? I hope so. Because lately I've been having doubts.
Somehow these lyrics from a Leonard Cohen song are in my head in connection with my thoughts on this dream:
i finally broke into the prison
i found my place in the chain
even damnation is poisoned with rainbows
i fought in the old revolution
on the side of the ghost and the king
of course i was very young
and i thought that we were winning
i can't pretend i still feel very much like singing
as they carry the bodies away
I seem to have a recurring dream the last few years. I don't know if "recurring" is the right word- I have it every few months, perhaps, and the details vary widely, but the gist of it goes like this: Duchess (that's my nickname for my high school girlfriend; she got married about a year ago) and I fall madly in love again. During the course of these dreams they are among the most wonderful dreams I've ever had, but when I wake up and recall reality I'm always furious at my subconscious. Those feelings just aren't there anymore, and if they were it would only be a grand exercise in pain and frustration on my part. How dare my subconscious make me feel like that about her again! In reality she doesn't even respond to my emails anymore, and when I look deep into my heart I find I don't care. But to make me feel so strongly about her again after any chance of us ever being together again is dead and buried and rotted through is just cruel. I don't feel that way anymore and I don't WANT to feel that way anymore, so don't force me to feel that way because it pisses me off.
...And makes me very sad, somehow.
Somehow... the only place I've felt the unerring and unending devotion of true love in the last five or six years is in my dreams. Does that mean I'm still capable of it in my waking life? I hope so. Because lately I've been having doubts.
Somehow these lyrics from a Leonard Cohen song are in my head in connection with my thoughts on this dream:
i finally broke into the prison
i found my place in the chain
even damnation is poisoned with rainbows
i fought in the old revolution
on the side of the ghost and the king
of course i was very young
and i thought that we were winning
i can't pretend i still feel very much like singing
as they carry the bodies away
no subject
Date: 2004-06-17 06:44 pm (UTC)~Kristen